"What is our Christmas present limit anyway?" I say to MindReader.
"I don't know but you've
definitely gone over it."
"I have not!" I say, indignant. "You have no idea how much Paris cost me but I guarantee it's not as much as you think."
"Okay," he says slowly. "I think Paris cost you six pounds."
Labels: MindReader
"You haven't updated your blog very much lately," MindReader says, taking the STILTON INFUSED BURGERS out of the wrapper.
"I know," I say. "I've spent a lot of time with you, and I find it hard to do justice to you on there."
"That's fair," MindReader says, a smirk playing on his face.
"Mm, you are brilliant," I say, sarcastic.
"Fuck, I hate this oven," he says , walking across the stone floor and into the hall.
"I suspect you don't understand it," I say, putting my tea down on the large country table.
"I do, it's just an old oven."
I raise my eyebrows.
"I haven't done anything wrong," he says.
"Oh." He pauses. "I have."
Labels: MindReader
11am: Chat idly with friends when supposed to be talking about how to increase a company's authorised share capital. Mention that natural hair colour is light brown amid surprised looks.
10pm: Ponder, in Birmingham New Street as I wait for the train, whether to dye hair. Realise that have been dyeing hair black-ish for 6 years. Think am old; have been of hair dyeing age for a whole 6 years!
10:01pm: Oh a whim, purchase "sandalwood brown" hair colour.
10:02pm: Reason with Surprised Check Out Lady that it's not that whimsical as it's only four shades lighter than current hair.
12am: Read hair dyeing leaflet.
12:01am: Ignore warnings about allergy skin tests.
12:10am: Hairdye is applied.
12:11am: Read side effects of hair dye.
12:12am: Clutch dramatically at throat and begin scratching imaginary hives on body.
12:15am: Tidy room and do washing up in a bid to distract self from impending anaphalactic shock.
12:20am: Wimp out and wash hair dye off.
12:30am: Blow dry hair.
12:31am: Wake MadFather.
12:32am: Confront mirror. Hair looks exactly the same.
12:33am: Go back to mirror with better light. Realise have lightens the roots of hair, and left the main body dark. Look like skunk. Realise have essentially done opposite of what wanted to achieve.
12:35am: Go to bed.
Labels: blonde moments, embarrassing
"Ooh, show me the offices then," I say to
MindReader as we walk through Birmingham city centre. He wears a dark grey suit and carries a Starbucks and looks utterly the lawyer. Except he looks as if he's doing it ironically.
His interview had gone well, he had said, and I'd smiled, remembering sitting in the bath together - a traditional way we tell each other about our days - his hair in a shampoo-
mohican whilst he recited the importance of the
Clementi legal services report to me.
Yes, I am the most anal girlfriend
ever.
"Ooh, they're lovely," I say, as he looks shiftily around. To be fair it would be weird for his interviewer to see him outside the offices two hours later.
"Oh my GOD," I say. "THEY HAVE A CHRISTMAS TREE IN THE FOYER. A CHRISTMAS-"
MindReader touches his finger to my lips.
"Oh," I say, quieter. "Did I just lose you a job?"
"No no," he says. "It's fine. I told them I did care in the community."
Labels: embarrassing, MindReader
"Just going to the loo," I say to
MindReader, extracting myself from his arms. He nods and sips his coffee, sprawled on his sofa.
I walk up his stairs and along his rather long corridor to his room. I smirk slightly, glancing at how much mess I've made when I've only been here a day. I walk into his bathroom.
As I'm peeing I notice the door's ajar. Hoping his Dad cannot hear me peeing from the next room, I jump when I hear footsteps in
MindReader's room.
"Oh hello," I coo as his dog wanders in.
She pads just a little too close to me and I laugh, pushing her head away.
Suddenly, her paws are on the toilet seat.
And she is DRINKING ME PEE.
What can I do? Stand up and pee all over the carpet? I cannot stop my pee midstream so clearly am going to be incontinent when am 35.
MINDREADER'S DOG IS DRINKING MY PEE.
"Okay?"
MindReader says as I join him on the sofa.
"Fine," I say. "But maybe you should read my blog later."
Labels: embarrassing, MindReader
"Well," I say, surveying MadFather's new living room carpet and breathing in the new carpet smell. "It looks good, doesn't it?"
"Yep," he says, his bare toes curling into it. "It's very soft."
"Mmm."
He pauses.
"Want to roll in it?"
"Okay," I say.
MadFather laughs as we roll about on the floor. "This is
exactly how I imagined living with you."
Labels: Dad, Home
"
Billygean,"
Sister'sHusband says, walking over to me with a drink. It is
MadFather's annual party, this year entitled "Meet
MindReader". The house is filled with homemade curry and
Diwali sweets and nobody has any idea why.
"I've just had a conversation about gardening,"
Sister'sHusband says. "How old am I?"
"Pretty old," I say,
MindReader's arm encircling my waist as he reaches for an onion bhaji.
"I can't imagine ever gardening,"
MindReader says. "I just don't think
I'll ever go 'that needs doing' and go out into the garden."
"We thought that,"
Sister'sHusband says. "But it's different when it's yours."
"Granted I'd mow the lawn,"
MindReader says. "But only so it looks
like a football pitch."
"Ah,"
Sister'sHusband says. "You'll be
spawning a 5 a side then,
Billygean."
"Christ,"
MindReader says. But not, apparently, because of the baby-talk. "5 children!" He says, smiling. "You'll have to be in goal."
I smile back. "You totally have the potential to have ginger babies," I say. "You're that side of blond."
"Oh I know," he says, rubbing his ginger stubble. "I am a tabby, you know this."
"Now I would like to give birth to a tabby," I say. "That would be ideal."
"Really."
MindReader says. "Ideal."
"What non-human would you most like to give birth to?" I say, addressing
Sister'sHusband and
MindReader. "I'd like a koala!"
"A sloth,"
MindReader says. "Although they are quite big."
"Has this immature conversation with me and
MindReader made up for the gardening conversation?"
"Definitely,"
Sister'sHusband says.
Labels: Home, MindReader
It is 9:40pm. I drum my fingers on the table.
My phone rings.
"Hello," I say to MadFather.
"Hello," he says, sheepish.
"Do you know what time it is?" I say, well aware I sound like a nagging wife.
"Yes."
"You said you'd be home at nine. I've been on my own all day and I'm hungry. I waited to cook because I kept thinking you'd be home any minute."
"I'll be twenty minutes," he says.
"So you'll be home an hour late," I say. "Great, I'm starving and I wanted an early night. For God's sake."
"I got takeaway."
"Oh really? What type?"
"Curry."
"That makes up for it," I say. "No, really."
"Oh! Okay then," he says, surprised.
"I'm very shallow."
Labels: Dad, How to
"So how'd she get it so cheap?" I say to MindReader.
"Someone who knows someone who knows someone," he says, leaning against the countertop and stirring the rice. "She knows literally everyone in Shrewsbury."
I raise an eyebrow at him.
"Not literally, I take that back," he says. "Anyway it's because she just chats to anyone about anything."
He pauses.
"She's a bit like you actually."
I smile. "I don't talk to anyone! Sometimes I avoid talking to people."
He stares right at me. "You've spoken to a lot of people about my bleeding penis."
"Only people I
know," I say, straining the rice. He catches the sieve as it tumbles into the sink and looks at me again.
"And, okay," I say, "the Internet."
He smirks.
"I take your point," I say.
Labels: MindReader
Well.
Turns out MindReader has a 'routine' water infection.
It didn't
seem very routine.
The outcome is some tablets for him. And drink lots and rest and blah blah blah.
Oh, and, don't have sex for 8 weeks.
I have to say, I paled at that.
Labels: MindReader
"I need cake," I say to MindReader on the motorway. It is a dreaded Sunday and we have about an hour before he leaves.
I know I see him on Tuesday but this is beside the point.
"Ooh, I would love cake," he says, coming off the slip road. "I bet you can't guess which cake I want?"
"Coffee and walnut," I say smirking at his disgust at my favourite cake.
"No. It's obscure."
"Oh, ummm..."
"White chocolate and lemon," he says, raising an eyebrow poncily.
I roll my eyes.
We go to Morrisons and pick up a very stodgy toffee cake and take it to the check out.
And that's where it happens.
MindReader's arm encircles my waist and I tilt my head to kiss him. He smiles down at me and pulls me nearer to him, whispering something into my ear.
"MindReader," I say.
"Mmm?"
"We're one of those couples."
"My God," he says, his eyes wide. "We are one of the couples that I
hate."
But we don't stop, can't seem to.
Labels: MindReader
Last week MindReader and I decided that we don't see each other enough. This is no secret to anyone since I whine constantly but we decided to attempt to do something about it.
Such is the nature of the course we're on that we're both in the same building on a Tuesday and don't see each other (unless he's claimant and I'm defendant in court, of course). So we decided to do something every Tuesday. Something sickeningly couply, because we're good at that.
Only, last Tuesday, we ended up in A&E (ER to all you Americans), in short, because MindReader peed blood. Lots of blood. And then some more.
So we got a cab to A&E because I am useless and cannot drive, and MindReader actually convulsed in the waiting room.
I went and had a cry at the coffee machine, because this is how helpful I am, and, on my return, MindReader was white. He opened one eye and looked directly at me.
"What do you want to do
next Tuesday?" he says, slowly.
And this is when we realised he is never going to stop being sarcastic.
Labels: MindReader
