Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Wherein I am an idiot
My more long-term readers may remember that when i was in hospital, doctor-sister had to hide the bigger tablets in Kinder beaunos so I would swallow them.I don't know what it is. I know that if they're too big they won't go into my lungs. I know that I regularly swallow, well, meals, but for some reason I cannot do it.
Today in Boots I decided to buy some IBS relief. Mostly because I have every symptom. Also because, following a mild panic attack in the Next Sale, I really needed some chocolate - so why not eat dairy and then treat the spasms with drugs? Hmm?
"Do you have medically confirmed IBS?" The lady at the till, whom my Dad said made me look CHUBBY, says.
"Yes," I say, waving my hand dismissively. Suzanne is a doctor now. And so is Google.
Twenty minutes later, the TEN PENCE SIZED PILL is on the breadboard and I am standing with a half-empty (indeed) glass of water.
"There is no point staring at the pill and sipping the water," my Dad says, smirking as he fills the kettle.
"Oh my God," I say, pacing. "Just do it."
I stare at the pill. It gets bigger. "Just fucking do it."
"I am having a tantrum," I say, slamming my hand down on the breadboard. I take another sip of water.
"Take a gulp of water," my Dad says.
I nod, my cheeks puffed out with water.
"Now swallow it all in one go."
I do so.
"See how much bigger that volume was than the tablet?"
"YES I do," I spit. "I KNOW this is irrationally but I PHYSICALLY CAN'T DO IT."
"Can you swallow a grape whole?" my Dad says.
"No."
"How about an orange?"
"No."
"Best off sticking it up your arse and be done with," he says, wandering out of the room.
Slowly, I put the tablet on my tongue.
And then I freak out and take it off again.
I put it on again. It's quite shiny and sugary. I take a drink. I can feel it rattling around.
Suddenly I swallow. And it's gone. It's not in my mouth!
I wander into the living room and triumphantly display my empty mouth to my Dad who is reading the instructions.
"Excellent," he says. "Now all we've got to do is wait for the allergic reactions."
Labels: blonde moments, embarrassing
by billygean.co.uk at 4:07 PM |
10 Comments:
He's NOT suggesting you're hypochodriacal? Surely not?
On the oral front, I think there's something on the Internet somewhere about dealing with the gag reflex. But this is a family show, I guess.
Remember thinking I had IBS a while ago and my ex-wife-professor (well, you have a sister-doctor!) sent me a research paper on the subject. Seems it's an ailment that doctors diagnose but cannot define. Of course, she might just have wanted to unconfuse me - and this she surely did. The problem cured itself after I'd read the paper. Oh we could chat forever on this one!
Suggest you cut your pills in half. I do this all the time. Of course, you may want to check with your pharmacist (I've got an almost-sister-in-law-pharmacist if that would help) to make sure cutting it won't somehow alter the pill--one of mine can't be cut, but the rest are fine. I can't swallow those giant horse pills either, even though I seem to have no problem swallowing any other food without properly chewing!
Andrew: IBS has a bad name for two reasons, one, it's diagnosed by a process of elimination because it has no physical characteristics such as ulceration etc. And two, I think because it's activated by stress you're quite right in that a lot of hypochondriacs actually get it, and the kind of people that may contract other stress-activated disorders like ME, CFS etc.
However, even if you don't have massive ulcers or anything I think having constant tummy aches and all other associated horrible symptoms are pretty real.
Angelina: I may cut it up! It was so bad in hospital where the nurses used to watch you to make sure you swallowed because sometimes I can't do it. Diclaphenac was massive and orange, very intimidating!
BG
They even make special pill-cutter thingamajigs, which are very fun!
Hello BG. Try burying the pill in a lump of soggy bread before doing the sip and swallow. Might help.
And who doesn't have a panic attack in the Next Sale? It's what they want you to do.
Drop me an email if you see this in time.
I used to have this problem when I was younger. Sometimes now I also can psych myself out if I think about it too much. You're right - it's just a matter of doing it without thinking too much.
My symptoms were triggered by eating and drinking inappropriately. Symptomatic treatment and appropriate diet worked well. Do I sound sensible?
Well, I'm not!
(Btw I like your remark about it being diagnosed by 'a process of elimination'...)
Ah, you caught me at blogging hour.
Well, it is a process of elimination. Just glad I don't have anything else (as I'm sure you appreciate)
Sorry, it was a play on the word 'elimination'. Not a very good one, I know. But there's something inherently funny about IBS - unless of course you've actually got it!
I highly doubt I have got it. Have I told you about my brain tumour?
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