Billygean.co.uk

Monday, July 24, 2006

And I thought section 4C of the university library was in Narnia

I scurried out of Primark gladly leaving the trampled sweatshirts and mile-long queues behind me. Right, public library, I thought, walking vaguely in the direction of Victoria square. I eyed Lush as I walked along New Street, ignoring the shouting Birmingham Mail man.

(I did buy a Big Issue though, why don't more people? It gives homeless people jobs, and I don't really care if they go and spent my £1.50 on alcohol because it's just £1.50 to me, regardless, and I think it's a lot more for them. Anyway, perhaps this is for another, more serious blog)

I reached Victoria Square fountain, which according to someone at work, means the library should be "unmissable". I looked around. I put my glasses on. I could see a lot of unnamed buildings. Helpful. I took a walk around them all and to my dismay found none of them were a library. One of them was a law firm I've applied to which I sharply exited lest they spot me and realising what I dunce I am in practise.

I dialled numbers quickly.

"Yellow," my Dad said.

"Hello. Do you know where the library is?"

"Birmingham library?"

"Yes, I need to get my books out. I'm not allowed in the university ones," I said.

"Have you got more fines?"

"NO. I am in between courses. Okay where is library?"

"Okay do you know where I dropped you off the other day, near that big scaffoldy building?"

"Yes," I said.

"If you got out my door and not yours, you'd be facing the other way, yes?"

"You can say left and right, Dad, I am not remedial."

"We'll see. Okay so go over there."

I paused as I walked past more grubby white buildings and pigeons.

"Okay I am by a big road, with buses and a pub."

"Okay, you need to go inside to Paradise Circus."

"Isn't that in London?" I said.

"No."

I walked for a good few minutes, across the road, through an empty shopping centre, around a ramp until a police office heard me saying loudly to my dad that how could a sign not have a library on it and wasn't every in Birmingham just illiterate.

Nice police officer directed me across a white building and behind a very tall building and through a mall.

"How will I ever get out of here?" I said to my Dad.

"Get a bus from Bristol Street and it'll take you right home."

"What's Bristol Street?"

"Have you heard of the Bristol Road?" It must be pointed out to my readers that I live on the Bristol road.

"Yes."

"Well it's that. I have to go now," he said faintly, probably wondering what on earth he'd raised.

I walked out of the mall and hey presto, there was the library. A tiny black door. "Unmissable". Fuck you.

The library didn't havea legal section. By this point I was probably beyond irritated, and didn't even react when I realised I'd stood in a stationary lift for 5 minutes (QUITE A LONG TIME TO STAND IN A LIFT).

I quickly exited the building. In front of me was a fountain. My eyes widening, I crept forward. It was the original fountain. I was right back where I started!

"Oh, hello!" My dad said.

"Hello. So I found the library. No legal books. I came out, and I'm where I was!"

"Well, yes."

"No, I mean, I'm on New Street!"

"Is there another entrance, then? Turn around?"

I turned around, and only the bloody town hall remained.

"It's not there. I have no idea how I got here."

"It must have disappeared then, Gill. That's what must have happened."

He paused. " You are remedial."

by billygean.co.uk at 6:46 PM |